


Cherik Speedrun Any% World Record [3 min 24 seconds]

by thenewdarling



Category: X-Men - All Media Types
Genre: M/M, speedrun AU
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2020-06-16
Updated: 2020-06-16
Packaged: 2021-03-04 03:40:48
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 2,020
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/24757165
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/thenewdarling/pseuds/thenewdarling
Summary: In the year 2034, a video game is released which follows 70 years of X-Men stories. The final boss: the sex scene between Charles Xavier and Erik Lehnsherr.This is the story of the world record speed to reach that scene.Written for @GlasgowFanfic Open Mic Night June 2020
Relationships: Erik Lehnsherr/Charles Xavier
Comments: 4
Kudos: 25





	Cherik Speedrun Any% World Record [3 min 24 seconds]

When X-Men (2034) was released, it sold four million copies on its first week. It took the average player 600 hours to 100% the immense amount of dense content, which covered the entire history of the X-Men from the 60s to the present day. 

The first run to be recorded on speedrun.com was 400 hours and was mostly done by clever use of the tricks in the glossy magazine guidebook that was released alongside the game. But as the glitches started to be uncovered, the goal became to reach the final boss of the game.

The final boss of _any_ real X-Men game. Or of any X-Men _franchise_ for that matter.

Erik Lehnsherr being ferociously pounded by Charles Xavier. Or vice versa.

That decision actually became one of the first real debates within the community. Much like picking which Pokémon would serve you best in a speedrun of a Pokémon game, people were divided into two camps depending on whether it was better to do the run so you would end the game with the final boss battle playing as Charles topping Erik or as Erik topping Charles.

The dilemma was that Chop (the strategy revolving around Charles Top) made the final sex scene significantly faster due to being able to use Charles' mind powers to coax early completion. However, Chottom (Charles Bottom) meant that you gained access to Brotherhood of Evil Mutants around halfway through the game rather than after the final credits - specifically Quicksilver, whose speed powers made most runs way more efficient because they slow down all game characters to basically a standstill.

But then someone found the first glitch.

Quicksilver appears in an early cutscene in the game. Under normal circumstances the player can't really interact with him. However, his model is on the map in an inaccessible location. So when a player by the name of BigBouncingPiotrRasputin6969 worked out you can use Nightcrawler's Bamf Teleport ability through one particular kitchen wall to gain access to him, it made it a prime exploit. 

Quickly, both NoGlitch-Chop and NoGlitch-Chottom runs were being overtaken by a new kind of run, Roguesilver, in which Nightcrawler would bamf Rogue through the glitched wall so she could steal Quicksilver's powers and run through the rest of the game essentially frozen.

This was only the first of many exploits, Roguesilver quickly became a basic tool in a very advanced toolbox, leading to this one fateful run.

It is 4 o clock in the afternoon, and adamXtheXtreme is on his twentieth run of the day.

He habitually checks that No Foreplay is turned on in settings. He hits New Game, and starts the timer.

A familiar, deep voice, he has heard 20 times today and countless times before.

*"Mutation... It is the key to our evolution. It has enabled us to evolve from a sin-"*

He is jamming on the X button on his controller. He isn't allowed to use a turbo controller by the rules of the speedrun. The cutscene continues until it allows him to skip and he is immediately dropped into the X-Mansion in the tutorial level. 

He has done this a million times, he knows exactly step-by-step how much to lean on the controller stick to get from door to door most efficiently. The entire game starts as Child!Cyclops in the 60s so there's very few exploits you can actually do, though he makes sure to collect the three Classic X-Men Comics collectibles that he needs (and not a single one more). Not a second wasted. 

He enters the Danger Room tutorial boss. No movement, he just jabs at the boss. X X X Triangle. X X X Triangle. X X X Triangle. Timed perfectly for no cool-down. Three little jabs of the visor blast and then ripping it off for a heavy attack. The animation of him putting the visor back on is just long enough that it times to when he hits the next A. The enormous Cerebro-Machine explodes in a fire of sparks, triggering the next cutscene.

adamXtheXtreme isn't watching the cutscene though, he's already holding down the analogue stick because he knows the next direction he'll be moving. Across the other side of the X-Mansion, into the POV of Jean Grey. Now, he spends the three X-Men Collectibles to unlock Jean's basic Mind-Read ability on the skill tree. He'll need this.

Padding down the room, adam spams the X button which causes Jean to telekinetically hurl any item in front of her away for marginal speed gains. All the NPCs in the room complain.

"Hey watch it!" Bobby says. "Where'd you get your license, a cereal box?"

"Ow! Careful Jean," says Beast. "I don't think the professor w-"

He is cut off because Jean's made it through the door before the developers expected, triggering another cutscene.

adamXtheXtreme takes a breath. So far so good. He's shaved off half a second.

At the end of the cutscene, Jean gains the ability of Telekinetic Flight. She's supposed to fly through an assortment of hoops which will lead her into the next scene, but adam turns right back around and flies up to the roof. When she hits the roof he hits the Mind-Read button, reading the mind of Professor Xavier, who's upstairs - Mind-Reading with him is supposed to be the end goal of two missions from now.

The Professor speaks, as recorded: "Jean, thank God, after the explosion I thought-" (The mansion hasn't exploded yet, now adam gets to skip that whole level.)

Then, he hits the PS button on his controller.

*[ding ding-ding]*, it chimes as he's booted back to the console menu. 

*[whoom whoom whoom whoom whoom]* He moves around with the D-Pad waiting for the contents of the game to be flushed from RAM so it'll read his progress from the autosave.

Two seconds... three seconds.

He jumps back in, and for a second it looks like nothing's happened, and then it reads the save, and he's booted to the Level Select menu, hovering over the destroyed X-Mansion with a menu.

There are three branching missions he can take - he chooses the third, "1986".

Popping into the level, he spawns as Jubilee in a shopping mall. Using the spamming-trick used with Jean before, she blasts everyone in front of her with fireworks to get through the level a fraction of a second faster before the cutscene brings her to Nightcrawler, giving adam the power to swap between them. As Nightcrawler, he teleports round a corner to the save point, and warps back to the X-Mansion.

Bamfing for speed across the map 100 metres at a time, he finds Rogue in her bedroom, talks to her in a mini-cutscene, and then switches to Rogue's POV. She uses her Power Leech on Nightcrawler, borrowing his Bamf ability, then bamfs back towards the canteen. 

The chat can feel adam's frustration at having to retread over ground he already covered, it's a noted inefficiency in the run. He looks at the timer. 1 minute 4 seconds. Not bad not bad.

Reaching the canteen, Rogue bamfs through the Glitchy Wall and lands out of bounds in the darkness beyond the map, where she quickly finds Toad and Quicksilver's game models awaiting being spawned into the cutscene. She uses her Power Leech on Quicksilver, and immediately activates Quicksilver-Time.

None of this would be possible without Quicksilver-Time. Not only does it slow all enemies to a standstill, it also freezes the timer on Rogue's Power Leech letting her keep borrowed powers basically indefinitely.

She bamfs across the darkness until she spawns into another map she's not supposed to be in. This one is Baxter High, a level from the 90s era which is around 50% of the way through the plot. She bamfs through the level arriving at the final boss.

The cutscene engages, and Juggernaut comes crashing through a wall into the gymnasium. adam quickly engages Quicksilver-Time again as it was turned off by the cutscene, and the Juggernaut is frozen to a standstill mid-run.

Rogue runs over to Cyclops (90s), Jean Grey (90s) and Gambit, who are supposed to be the player characters in this level. She Power Leeches Jean Grey, runs as quickly as possible to get in range, and uses Mind Barrage on Juggernaut three times. As he's frozen in place and unable to fight back, he goes down in around 11 seconds.

adam is popped back to level select, at which point half the game is now available. He selects Chess Minigames and selects one which looks no different to all the others, Chess Minigame 56.

Charles and Erik sit at a chessboard as they do in all the chess minigames. In this one, Charles and Erik are in the versions they take in the 90s cartoon.

In every chess minigame, you're given a certain number of pieces left on the board and you have to beat the AI to the end of the game. However, in this one level -

"Pawn to E4," Erik's voice says as the chess piece moves across the board magnetically. "You should've killed my rook when you had the chance."

adam selects the Knight and drops it off the edge of the board - a normally illegal move, but the game doesn't notice. "Knight to A-" Charles' character says, as it does the animation of moving the piece with mind powers. 

The piece falls out of bounds and there's a few seconds where the game seems to glitch, before Charles T-poses and falls through the floor, spinning at 100mph like Sandra Bullock in Gravity.

adam rams on the analog stick, remembering the route by rote in the dark.

Charles clips up through the floor of Destroyed Genosha - a map that was rendered and is still in the game's code but was scrapped in development. Charles floats through the level, still T-posing. He opens a chest in a pile of rubble, getting a Golden X, a fairly rare collectible. It lets you replay the previous cutscene for that level - but since this level isn't part of any actual story, it just plays the final cutscene in the game.

The run is almost complete. adam's heart is racing. Thirty seconds, this could be the one.

The cutscene begins.

Wanda Maximoff raises her hands. "No... more... mutants!"

That cutscene unlocks the rest of the levels.

He rushes through the menus with trembling fingers - this could be it.

He selects The Final Level.

Magneto's model in the level defaulted to the Onslaught version, because the regular version of him was deleted by No More Mutants. The model is 8 foot tall and too big for the bed it lies on, so it keeps clipping through the floor as it flaps like a salmon on a slab.

Four feet over the bed, Charles' model floats, fully clothed, still T-posing. The wheelchair that isn't supposed to be in the model while they're shagging on the bed spins counter-clockwise at high speed.

Standing over the scene is a glitchy Dark Phoenix model, and a green Nightcrawler. adamXtheXtreme jams the X and Square buttons at the same time, the Thrust button and his Mind Meter. The Mind Meter hits its peak and purple energy flies around the room, and a cutscene triggers.

Charles and Erik, as they're supposed to look in the level - gorgeous, naked, embraced and entwined like they were born to worship each others' bodies. Sweat glistens off them as they moan and clutch at each other. It was probably quite hot the first time he saw it, but he's seen it seven million times now - and the actual sex scene has been replaced in his mind by Onslaught wriggling with Floating Professor.

The end credits begin to roll as adam slaps on the end timer.

He beat the record, by three seconds.

"OH MY GAD!" he shouts, beginning to cry. The chat is spamming so much poggers. "OH MY GAD! OH MY GAD YOU GUYS!" He's received 5000 Twitch Dollars in the last minute.

He leans back, and exhales. Perfection.

And then he is back to the main menu, and getting ready to start again.


End file.
